QUESTION OF THE WEEK: How do I Explain the Logic Behind my Parenting to my Child?

B"H

Shevat 30, 5772 * February 23, 2012

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Q U E S T I O N O F T H E W E E K
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How do I Explain the Logic Behind my Parenting to my Child?
By Aron Moss
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Dear Rabbi,

I tell my nine year old son that people who work hard will progress in life and have what they need.

Now I have a dilemma. There is a new electronic toy which costs $499, and more for each game! His cousin has one, many of his friends have it, but we have no intention of buying him one. We don't have the money [ http://link.Chabad.org/go.asp?li=38937675F7E89ECB7F7BA41CFD1ECD04&ui=F8C16ABBBCDB72AD0024EE2F647D78D2 ], and even if we did, it is not one of our priorities -- there are far better things he can do with his time than play video games.

The problem is, my son does everything properly: he listens to us, puts in the effort at school and is now devastated that he has worked hard but still cannot have what he wants. How will I explain it to him?

Answer:

You have just been given a wonderful parenting [ http://link.Chabad.org/go.asp?li=434B359546D6F0A292AD96CCB1A047E2&ui=F8C16ABBBCDB72AD0024EE2F647D78D2 ] opportunity. You have the chance to teach your child two vital truths: that he can't have everything, and that he can't always understand why.

The idea that kids needs to understand the rationale behind every one of their parents' decisions is incorrect. If children [ http://link.Chabad.org/go.asp?li=A2C5B61FEA4E6137E83B89095117D330&ui=F8C16ABBBCDB72AD0024EE2F647D78D2 ] were capable of understanding their parents' every motive, then children could be parents themselves. It is precisely their inability to appreciate why every whim and fancy cannot be fed that makes them children. The parents' job is to set boundaries, and that means sometimes the answer is just no.

When a parent lays down the law and gives a clear no, they are doing their child an incredible favor. The child will learn an important life lesson: you don't always get what you want. Sometimes it seems unfair, sometimes it seems to be without any justification, but it happens, and it happens to everyone, and it happens throughout life. There will always be things we want and can't have.

Sadly, many children are never taught this. Their parents give them everything they want, and then when they grow older, they are shocked to discover that sometimes they can't have whatever they want. Often children reared this way become adults who think that their spouse [ http://link.Chabad.org/go.asp?li=AD8D8B628268A483111F5FF417B9FA08&ui=F8C16ABBBCDB72AD0024EE2F647D78D2 ], their friends, their country and G-d should all be giving them whatever they ask for. If only they were taught as kids that you can't have it all, they would be accepting of this as adults.

Your son deserves to be rewarded for his good behavior and hard work. Choose something he wants, just not the super expensive one. It isn't easy, but it is far better to endure the tantrum of a disappointed child for a few days than to have a spoilt child who will become and remain a spoiled adult for life. Like King Solomon [ http://link.Chabad.org/go.asp?li=9684B9C907CEE9C6B4E2730DA69C82D1&ui=F8C16ABBBCDB72AD0024EE2F647D78D2 ] said (Proverbs 22:6 [ http://link.Chabad.org/go.asp?li=6EDA1E425A9463C84A7B16394D1EAA93&ui=F8C16ABBBCDB72AD0024EE2F647D78D2 ]), "Train the child in his way, so that when he is older he will not stray from it." Today he will be upset, but one day he will thank you.

See our Child-rearing [ http://link.Chabad.org/go.asp?li=067C59B41C8CE9894132D4BD2C6ECA03&ui=F8C16ABBBCDB72AD0024EE2F647D78D2 ] section from our Parenting [ http://link.Chabad.org/go.asp?li=434B359546D6F0A292AD96CCB1A047E2&ui=F8C16ABBBCDB72AD0024EE2F647D78D2 ] minisite.

- Rabbi Aron Moss teaches Kabbalah, Talmud and practical Judaism in Sydney, Australia, and is a frequent contributor to Chabad.org.
All names of persons and locations or other identifying features referenced in these questions have been omitted or changed to preserve the anonymity of the questioners.

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